What Actually Happens When You Stop Disappearing in Love
Last week I wrote about why so many women lose themselves in love, and how the over giving that started as a way to avoid abandonment slowly becomes the engulfment that makes us want to run.
Today I want to tell you what happens on the other side of that. When you finally step out of the loop.
When you stop shrinking to keep the peace. When you stop giving yourself away to keep the love. When you stop oscillating between please don't leave me and I have to get out of here.
Because what becomes available is not what most people expect.
Most people are quietly terrified that if they stop over giving, the relationship will fall apart. The other person will leave. That their relationship is only ever conditional on their compliance.
And sometimes, I won't lie to you, that's exactly what happens.
Sometimes when you become fully yourself, you discover the relationship was never built for who you actually are. And as painful as that is, it's one of the most important things you'll ever find out.
Because a love that requires you to disappear is not love. It's a business deal.
But here's what I see far, far more often:
When someone stops disappearing, when they start saying what they actually think, asking for what they actually need, showing up as who they actually are, the relationship doesn't end.
It begins.
For the first time, there's someone real in the room. Someone the partner can actually know, actually reach, actually love.
Because you cannot love someone who isn't there. And the person who has been performing, complying, disappearing, has not really been there. Not fully.
This is what I call changing the rules of engagement.
You set the rule that you'd be the one carrying everything, emotionally, domestically, energetically, long before you knew what you were agreeing to. You set it from fear of abandonment. And now you're exhausted, and you can't understand why your partner can't see it.
But here's the truth: they're not breaking the rules. They're following them. The ones you both set, silently, years ago.
Changing the rules of engagement isn't ending the relationship. It's giving it a chance to finally become real.
And here's the part of stepping out of the loop that almost nobody warns you about:
It gets uncomfortable before it gets free.
When you stop over giving, the abandonment fear screams. They're going to leave. You're being selfish. You're ruining everything.
When you stop pulling away, the engulfment fear screams. You're losing yourself. You need space. Get out.
Both voices are old. Both are loud. Neither is telling the truth anymore.
The work is staying. Staying with yourself. Staying in the relationship. Staying through the discomfort of doing it differently than you've ever done it before.
Because on the other side of those voices is something most people have never experienced: presence without performance. Closeness without disappearing. Love without the loop.
This is what I call Soul Worthy Love.
Not a fairytale. Not a fantasy. Two people genuinely meeting each other, both fully present, both holding their own ground, both wanting the best for each other while respecting their own needs.
It's available in any relationship, at any stage, between any two people willing to do the work.
Whether you're single and wondering if this is possible for you, or in a relationship wondering if it's too late,
The answer is the same. It is possible. And it's not too late.
Not sure how much of this pattern is affecting you?
Download my free Special Report:
Emotionally Available or Not?
In less than two minutes you'll discover:
• whether the people you're choosing are emotionally available
• whether your subconscious protection system may be blocking love
• what your next step should be
