That Feeling You Call Love? It Might Be Something Else Entirely
I'm going to say something that might land hard. Sit with it.
The feeling most people call love isn't love.
The intensity. The obsession. The butterflies. The physical contraction in your chest when they don't text back. The way you can't eat. Can't focus. Can't think about anything else.
That's not love. That's infatuation. And confusing the two has cost more relationships, and more heartache, than almost anything I know.
Andrea described what she used to think was love better than anyone I've heard:
"Emotionally, it was very intense. I could feel the contraction in my body day to day. Even waiting for the text or sending a text or a call that doesn't get answered, it's just so uncomfortable in the body. It felt overwhelming. It felt scary. I felt out of control. The energy was mostly collected in my chest. Like a big black ball."
Read that again. That's the feeling we've been taught to call love, is not love. That's a nervous system in distress, mistaking adrenaline for connection.
Here's my definition of love after 126,000 sessions:
Love is wanting the best for your partner while respecting your own needs.
Not performing for them. Not losing yourself for them. Not chasing them. Not staying in a constant state of anxiety about them.
Real love is quieter than infatuation. It feels like safety. Like being fully known and still fully chosen. Like not having to perform or protect yourself.
And for many people, this is the part nobody warns you about, that feeling is actually unfamiliar.
When a consistent, available, kind person shows up, the nervous system often says: "This doesn't feel like love. There's no spark."
When what it actually means is: "This doesn't feel like anxiety. And anxiety is what I've been mistaking for love my whole life."
The work isn't learning to love. You already know how to love.
The work is retraining your nervous system to recognize real love when it shows up, so you stop walking past it.
The work isn't learning to love. You already know how to love.
The work is retraining your nervous system to recognize real love when it shows up, so you stop walking past it.
Not sure how much of this pattern is affecting you?
Download my free Special Report:
Emotionally Available or Not?
In less than two minutes you'll discover:
whether the people you're choosing are emotionally available
whether your subconscious protection system may be blocking love
what your next step should be
